Confession

I have to confess something that I am not proud of: I let bullies keep me inside this week.  They kept me physically inside my home, afraid to go out and chance running into them because the also live in my building, and I let them keep me inside mentally.  I haven’t slept well this week, and I certainly wasn’t eating or taking care of myself the way I should have.  I have had a headache every day.

I hate to admit this because it makes me feel as if I have failed…at being a strong woman…at being a smart woman…at resisting the bait.  I was also running on such a high after realizing how much my work in therapy is helping me- making me stronger- and this set back felt bigger than it actually is.

I’ll share the story: I manage the apartment building I live in.  It’s not a glamorous job, or even a fun one, but it’s really flexible and we live for free in a large 2 bedroom in Hollywood, which is actually my least favorite thing about it.  I am not a fan of the location, and I don’t appreciate it the way someone who chooses to live here would.  Anyway, we had a flood here last week, and the tenants in the unit that had most of the water damage sent me a bunch of nasty emails.  In one of them they gave me 12 examples of how I am a terrible building manager and a bad person.  They said I don’t care about people.

Here is what I can confirm:  these people do not know me; these people feel frustrated and angry at the situation, and they don’t feel as if they can trust me; they are lashing out, and I am the “face” of this building, so I get their abuse.  I can also tell you that I DO care about people, and I do care about THESE people.  I don’t even know them, but because they live in my building and they are human beings on this earth, I want them to live well and be happy.  I want them to like their home and feel safe here.

It was bothering me so much- their mis trust and disdain for me- and Buck kept asking me why I let them get to me…and I don’t know.  Sure, I want to be liked.  Yes, it’s hurtful to be told you suck at your job (even if the people telling you have no idea what it’s like to do your job).  True, I am a sensitive person.

But more than all of that, the reason I have been so upset is because I have been acting in a manner that I don’t feel good about.  When my downstairs neighbor was screaming at me for 10 minutes, I screamed back.  When my next door neighbor was  sending me kooky emails about her carpet, I forwarded them to friends to gossip about it.  When the tenants with the flood started bullying me, I let them.

All of this flies in the face of the person I am trying to rise up and become: someone loving, who is compassionate and devoted to caring for people.  I want to be a good listener and a loving person.  I want to help women have babies.  I want to perform in fun, smart works that are meaningful to people.  I want to be a good mother.  I want to make people laugh.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is how to reconcile these parts.  I know this is not a unique struggle, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I don’t have an answer yet.  And I am open to the fact that there may not be an answer, and I’ll have to learn how to be okay with that.